Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf

Yes, I know: I promised I would rank Santa Barbara Roasting Company next.  But I came to Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf, because it is known, easy, and makes my favorite blended coffee drink.  I'm recovering from the sniffles and wanted the comfort of the familiar.

I have long adored the chain's "Original Ice Blended Vanilla." Our love affair started back in 1993 when I would take the "Shame Shuttle" with all the other freshmen from my college campus downtown to the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in the Paseo Nuveo mall. (Parking spaces were scarce at Westmont, so no freshmen had cars except Shelley Porter who paid to park her Porsche 911 in the driveway of some Montecito estate. How did I end up at this ritzy college? = subject for another blog.)

The first time I had an Ice Blended was a revelation. And that revelation was: "I don't have to be a grown-up to drink coffee!" I was super excited to drink what tasted like a milkshake instead and became a faithful customer from the first day of college to the last. On the way to graduation, literally in our cap and gowns, my roommate Anna and I stopped at CBTL for two Ice Blendeds with whip. Five years later, the day after my wedding at the Santa Barbara Courthouse, we all went back for a few more. When I ventured out for my first solo field trip after my daughter was born last October, I racked my brain for something I could do that was quick, close to home, and felt like a little indulgence: you guessed it--Ice Blended time. So, we have a history.

That being said, I never really sit down in a CBTL; we've had a strictly get-some-and-run relationship. How would the Bean stack up as a place to spend a few hours writing?

I pick the Montecito location for the easy parking. At 5:30 pm on a Saturday night, let me tell you Coast Village Road is not hopping. The shop's interior is chilly, making me wish my usual order at the Bean is hot tea, cider, or similar. I do have a nice view of the setting sun over some bushy trees from my table, which is one of about 20 I could have chosen as they are all pretty much empty.

The place is definitely not a "scene." The interior turns out to be sparsely populated with boring student/worker types, including two who later out themselves as major nerds in a messy conversation about the Super Bowl ("Can I root for Tom Brady? Is he the one who almost won a few years ago but came up one foot short? Who's the other team again?") which ends with the completely predictable declaration of their preference for the World Cup.

Most of the traffic through this Coffee Bean doesn't stay long. The biggest customer base seems to be a revolving door of Montecito dads who come in to order late-night lattes (I have decided it is fair to call 7pm “late-night” in Montecito) and wait briefly at the counter for their hot drinks. This makes the check-out factor of this chilly, expansive space surprisingly high. At any rate, it’s definitely the only place in town where my "new mom chic" look of frayed Uggs and horrifying sweatshirt is working. I hope you don’t think I’m exaggerating about the sweatshirt: it’s disgusting. I have worn it so much this winter it would probably still form the shape of my body if I ripped it off and discarded it in a corner.  Which I should do, because it smells like spit-up.

In terms of ambiance, the shelves in the middle of the floor look like a display case from Williams & Sonoma, and the entire store has a faint but unmistakable odor of what I can only describe as playdough. Happily my Iced Blended tastes just as it should: smooth, sweet, creamy, and with that hint of exotic coffee extract known only to natives and the CBTL founder who hacked his way through the jungle to find it (this is actually a pretty accurate summary of their main marketing pitch).

Food options are surprisingly scarce: the counter is loaded with pastries but the only thing I can grab that isn't dessert is a snack pack of Sabra hummus with pretzel chips. I pick it up along with a red velvet cupcake. The toxic dye on those suckers always makes me want to say no; the cream cheese frosting makes me say yes. 

The music is perky, which is the best thing I can say about it. The songs make you very aware that there is a playlist for all CBTLs throughout the state and you are listening to it. Rather than giving the place any kind of "vibe," the music feels corporate and is just a teensy bit too loud for my taste.  And if you don't know what I mean by corporate, I mean that the title and artist of each song is listed on the "entertainment" screen on the wall that scrolls useless info to amuse you while you wait for your drink. I have seen my horoscope flash by about 200 times.  "Virgo,  Today you will finally be able to get organized about what you are feeling and why." Unlikely. I am however unsettled by my infant daughter's horoscope for the day. "Libra, When you keep your head down all the time, you don't get noticed.  Be loud today." (Seriously, Astrology? She just started teething and I don't believe she needs the encouragement.)

Okay, yes, it’s sterile. It’s basically Starbucks, but there are two things that make it better. I already mentioned the first:  blended drinks that put gritty Frappuccinos to shame. The second is what I call the "In-N-Out" factor.  Meaning, you can only find CBTLs in California (and Arizona and Vegas, but that doesn't count). This gives them the cool sheen of the inaccessible. When, for example, you find yourself moving to Washington DC after college for an entry-level job, you discover not only that you hate wearing nylons, taking public transportation, and winter, but that these hardships are all the more bitter because you can't drown your sorrows in a refreshing Ice Blended. You have to wait for visits home to California.

(Except for two odd but important exceptions: I have also encountered Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf locations in downtown Saigon and the Colombo airport. I have no explanation for the company refusing to cough up a few branches on the East Coast but then plopping two stores in the middle of Vietnam and Sri Lanka. But whatever: I zoomed happily in for my usual order both times and the Blendeds greatly improved my mood regarding, respectively: 1) just finding out my visa back to Pakistan was denied and I had to take an emergency 16-hour flight back to the U.S. and 2) almost passing out in the airport a few minutes earlier from low blood sugar in my first trimester. How do I end up in these situations? = subject for another blog. Bottom line is that a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf has always been there for me when I needed it.)

But back to Montecito. Although it was by no means bustling when I arrived, when I leave a few hours later, this Coffee Bean is a ghost town. We actually hit a new low, scene-wise, when one of the workers behind the desolate counter could be heard plaintively whining "Kelly, can I go home now?" to his co-worker in the back. (Did I mention that one of the waiting dads referred to his to-go coffee as his "road dog"? Yikes.) I don't know if it's the frigid drafts, unfortunate conversations, or the red #40, but despite all the good times in our past, I leave the Bean shivering and resolved to keep our relationship the quick and dirty one it has always been. That being said, it's a great place if you want a ton of space to yourself or need to pick up a midsize panini press on your way out.

Points for playing my favorite Feist song, the new-mom ego boost, and miles of free tables. Deductions for making my runny nose worse, pop astrology, and the ambiance of a nice shoe store.
Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf:  C+